Monday, March 10, 2014

10 Things You Should Do If You Meet King Arthur In A Dark Forest

You have time-traveled to southwest Britain in 500AD. (You probably drank too much on the plane.) You've landed in the woods and there's this guy with a bloody sword. What do you do?

1.    Duck.
       (He has a sword.)

2.    Cover.
       (See item 1.)

3.    Speak in soothing tones like you would to an angry dog.
       (He doesn't speak English. He speaks something called Brythonic.)

4.    Keep your head lower than his and don't make eye contact.
       (Don't challenge him. He's not a tall guy and he gets defensive.)

5.    Allow him to smell you.
       (If you're still alive at this point, just be glad he inspects you in this way and not some other.)

6.    Maintain your dignity.
       (This may seem impossible after the man has sniffed your armpits, but you might need your dignity later so do what you can to hold on.)

7.    Give him your horse.
       (Or your bicycle or your roller skates or whatever you've got. Appease the man, for god's sake, he's a barbarian warlord and you're on his turf.)

8.    Be nice to his friends.
       (He has a lot of them. They wear metal outfits. You have no choice.)

9.    Go where he takes you.
       (It's dark. You're in the woods. It's 500AD. You have other plans?)

10.    Don't complain about the wagon ride even if they chain you.
         (It's a long walk to Camelot.)

20 comments:

TheChieftess said...

Whew!!! I feel so much better now that I have a plan!!! There's only one thing...it doesn't mention anything about how to handle having crapped in my pants...

Dina said...

Good advice. You of all people should know.
That photo is a great mood setter.

Petrea Burchard said...

Chieftess, I'm afraid you're going to have to figure that one out yourself!

Thank you, Dina!

dive said...

… and always carry a copy of Camelot and Vine.

Deb said...

Another photograph that would make a great book cover, and you already wrote the book!

Bellis said...

Yes, I always imagined your book cover would look like this. Can't beat Chieftess!

Petrea Burchard said...

Dive, as you know, my KA could read Latin. I doubt, however, we'll see that translation of C&V.

Funny, Deb, I didn't want a photo for the cover. I'm not sure why except the first artist I contacted sent me what I asked him not to send--photos. My 40-year-old heroine was suddenly 18, wearing sexy armor, with a pink background.

It's Millard Canyon, Bellis. I messed with the photo a bit.

LONDONLULU said...

Heehee, your book's heroine didn't do too badly, keeping her head about her when all others... It'd be a tad inconvenient to land in 500AD Britain (esp. with dinner only an hour away), but maybe I'll make it if I follow this advice:)

Petrea Burchard said...

Very inconvenient. No toilet paper, no tissues, not even cars.

Ms M said...

Excellent advice -- along with Dive's addition of carrying a copy of C&V. Now I'm prepared for (almost) anything!

altadenahiker said...

I'll hang on to this list, just in case.

Pasadena Adjacent said...

11. be polite while making excuses and start looking for that damn vortex that got you here to begin with.

Petrea Burchard said...

You might want to print it out and carry it in your pocket, Hiker.

A good addition, PA. Any and all and sundry, etc. are welcome to add more.

Margaret said...

What a fun list. And that picture is gorgeous.

Petrea Burchard said...

Thanks, Margaret. I'm glad people like the picture. This is one I wasn't sure of.

Ann Erdman said...

Click your heels together and say (softly so he won't hear you), "Get me the hell out of here!" Then come home and write a book...

José Mendonça said...

I would run away as fast as I could! :-))) And yes, great photo!

Petrea Burchard said...

We need a "like" button on Blogger. I suppose the equivalent is a smiley:
:)

William Kendall said...

And if all goes wrong, mention that your best friend is a Killer Rabbit.

Petrea Burchard said...

You're right, William, that's my best defense.